Aside

He Got Me at Hello

Can i talk about this guy for a minute? The guy who stole my heart long time a go. From a stranger to a lover. I actually don’t know what he did to me. He got me at hello. That was a serious hello came up with a sweet smile and sharp eyes stared. Weaken my heart to the root. Weaken my knees. Speeded up my heart beat. Accelerated the flow of my blood. And for the first time ever i know what it meant to be. Though i never bothered myself asking what was it. I can’t forget the moment i wondered his name and it led me to his badge.
Jason.. my coffee guy. Or Sprite. Or that funny oolong tea.
Can’t go further. Can’t dive deeper.
Nothing bad that i can remember. Was come to an end, unwanted.
He got me at hello. Never a goodbye.

–  a younger me –

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I Woke Up Before Too Long

you said we had met in your dream
a thing we just might do, one day.

though in my dream, it was at night…

a dark, rainy sort of night
but in a well-lit city park
that kept the midnight far from dark.
and where i called you by your name
and you embraced me as a friend
and all the world was wet with tears.

for things and places torn and gone,
for dreams that death takes away,
for hopes left up on doctor’s shelves,
and cold white room that some full of sadness.

but all of that, we didn’t say,
because we knew the other knew,
and lives are rooms behind locked doors,
though our words may be keys…

and then you spoke, although
your words were song;
the misty park dissolved
before too long,
and i awoke, not knowing what
you said,
but with your music
still inside.
my head

The Way I See Him

My love for him is beyond word
Deep in my heart it’s swelling
And yet, it loses all it is
And more, then, in the telling

I try to express it into words
And so convey the feeling
But like a bird, it flies away, away
As though there was no ceiling

So to contain this cherishing.
And now, at last, I have the fear
No words I have that can make you see my love
The way I see him

We’re Not Always Okay

Sometimes, it’s okay to not be okay. Because we’re not always okay.

Depression happens. Most of the time. That feeling of unrelenting suppression of feelings, hopes, dreams, joy. Disappointments happen. We look forward to things and they don’t happen and we’re heartbroken and may comes from those we love the most. Betrayal happens. Things we once thought should have been decided not to be, people we thought we could trust turned on us, things change and we don’t know how to cope. And that’s keeping us down.

Life happens. Stresses happen, deadlines and commitments and everything else piles up on top of each other and we can feel so worn. Exhausted. Mentally drain.

Life happens and it’s okay when we fall apart into a million pieces because we have a God that wants to put us back together. He always there. Life happens and it’s okay to not be okay, because when we realize that that we’re not fine, we open ourselves up to the amazing One.

It’s okay to not be okay, because we’ll never be perfect and we shouldn’t try to be..

It’s okay when things don’t go right because we live in a fallen, imperfect, wild world.

It’s okay to not be okay, because as soon as we realize that we’re not all set on our own, we open ourselves up to receive the help that only God offers. Everyone struggles with something. Whether it’s our own fault, or the doing of someone or something else, we all have things we’ll wrestle with.

Life doesn’t always play nice. But faith’s always there for us to hang on to. When we’re not okay, we can hang on to our faith and seek our God.

When we hear that we have “nothing to fear,” we can so easily write it off and think that it’s not true. Things are still terrifying. Life’s still scary. Problems still occur. We’re totally in human shape.. inside and out.

Because we won’t find them anywhere else.

In not being okay. Let us build our dependence on Him.

 

Not “Happier”

So I’ll just find someone I could love
Lead them on
Then break them down slowly
Silently even with small actions
And even fewer words
Call it a fall
And tell them
“I’m sorry, I’m not ready.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out,
Maybe in another place in time
Maybe in another lifetime altogether”

G

A Thing That I Can Do

They said to write inspiration.

So I wrote until writing hurt. I wrote my story and my soul until there was only skin left to give.

So I gave it.

I wrote until my bones held my pencil and the only thing keeping me going was the next thought that needed to be written.

So I gritted my teeth and kept writing.

I kept writing while they chatted, while they talked, while they whispered. I wrote through the pain and the tears surrounding me, around me, needing me. I wrote while the world cried and the innocent died. I wrote while the world disappeared before my eyes.

Because writing is the only thing I know how to do and at least I can do that.

So I do that.

When You Feel Like Don’t Know Why

This is for you on the days when you feel like giving up, on the days when you wish you could hide away in your bed and never return. This is for you on the days when the clouds block any glimpse of sunlight, when the shadows paint the world around you. This is for you on the days when nothing feels right…when you’re drowning in helplessness, when you’re crawling out of your skin…when you’re falling, when you’re sinking, and when you don’t know if you can go on.

Somedays life will be too hard…so much harder than you ever imagined. So much harder than you ever expected. These are the days that will wear you down…the days that will test you to the point of exhaustion.

You probably feel like life is too heavy, like you can’t do this. It may feel as if the whole world is pressing down on your shoulders, depriving you of strength, pushing down on your soul. Every portion of your life is daunting. You don’t fit in here.