One Day

One day I will be gone. Gone from every place I thought I belonged to. I will be be gone with one hope in my heart after I’m gone. That you will understand my feelings. That your presence means everything to me. That I never regret a single time I buried myself in your arms. But now let me spend this present time falling deeply in love with all the love I love inside. Let me be the only one who makes you feel all the butterflies in your stomach. Let it be. Til the day I’ll be gone. That day will be painful. I will be so much hurt.

I hope that one day will never come. Because my everything is belong to you.


Oh Love

Oh love.. you have no idea.

Love, I heart you more than the heart I have inside. Love, I can take the bullet for you.

Oh love, scars now, love.

Love, I’m looking from the distance now. Tho I didn’t see the space but you slipped through my fingers, Love.

Oh love, how you did that.

Love, you did a crime. The most painful one. This no bleeding pain, Love.

Oh love, you won’t understand.

Why love.. I need to understand. That love.

Another Dream Comes True.. KTBPA!

So where do I begin now.. Another dream came true and it’s one of my biggest dreams. Like 22 years ago I fell in love with these 5 young boys called Backstreet Boys. I know.. You better not laugh about it. Nothing is funny. I seriously am a fan of Backstreet Boys. I called myself a Backstreet Girl or the soldier. I know.. You better not laugh about it. From I’ll Never Break Your Heart they led my heart to being a crazy fan of them. Started collecting their records, photos, posters were like covering my bedroom walls. Nobody can stop me when it comes to BSB. Except my father. He said no to every concert I wanted to go to. Including the BSB’s ones. But in 2011 I finally went to their concert, well actually it was NKOTBSB’s concert, and I bought the ticket with my own money so nobody will stop me now. And I made it. It was 10 days before I got a horrible accident. I thank God that I made it to their concert and alive now. LOL. After that concert’s night I was assured that I will never get the chance to see their show ever again in my life because they are getting older and their popularity was getting down because some crap boybands are coming out and yea.. people always underestimate the ability of a boyband. Anyway.. I enjoyed that night like it was really the last time ever I will ever see them live on stage.

6 years past and Sept 1st 2017 I was like scrolling up my Facebook’s feed and I was like what! The Backstreet Boys are coming to Singapore on October 21st 2017. That was exactly what I read that day. I was like right. Let me read it again. And yes.. it was the show announcement. So I jumped out of my bed and call my friend to tell him that what I’m gonna do soon. Getting the ticket. Waited for 7 days and it was September 8th and I was focusing myself on my computer to get the ticket. Failed to get a seat. I tried everything from VIP to the very end of the podium. I was almost crying and cancelling a meeting I need to attend. Til my friend texted me and said “hey I got the ticket. We’re going!” I was like.. God.. THANK YOU!

Got the concert’s ticket and flight’s tickets. Yes.. I was taking my little sister. My partner in crime. A gift for her, for her patient facing me every day. Helping me to get my shit together. So, I made some countdown.. like 10 more sleeps til the very 1 more sleep picture posted on my Instagram account. October 20th we flew to Singapore from Jakarta and arrived at 12:10 AM and got no hotel room yet. We slept at the airport. No.. My sister did, I didn’t. I kept talking to my good friend Surya who came with us for the concert. I told him on how is the possibility on bump myself to BSB at the airport or at the stadium while they are doing their rehearsal. Well.. almost negative. Anyway the dark time past and we got to the day I will finally watch the show.  Waiting for the night to come was like a serious situation. I was like damn.. Lama banget!!!

Finally we got to the time to walk ourselves to the venue. Surya, Dysta and I were so excited. Me the most. Got the the Singapore National Stadium and I was like holding my tears so much. Like I saw many people like me. They were just like me. In love with the Backstreet Boys. Wearing BSB T-shirt, smiling, jumping like can’t wait to finally sing along with the Boys. And the time is finally there. I got into the venue, found my seat, a little too far from the stage but whatever. This is what I got. Waiting for one and half hour was like hell. Lama banget!!

The songs were like finally playing. Kevin, Howie D, Brian, AJ and Nick were finally there on stage singing Larger Than Life. I was close to tears but I can’t embarrass myself next to my friend. From Quit Playing Games With My Heart to Drowning. From Get Down to Shape of My Heart. I was having what people called Startruck. I can’t even move from my seat. I was sitting, singing, and showing my big smile. Like maaann.. I finally seeing them again. And we came to the last song. It was Everbody (Backstreet Back). The whole show was amazing. More than what I expected. I was super happy. God.. THANK YOU!!

And the next morning we left the hotel at 6 AM to the Changi International Airport. First thing we looked for is some Bacardi and some alcohol that my friend asked me to get for him. After that we had some breakfast then we looked for 711 but guess what my sister found. She saw the Backstreet Boys passing us with the airport carts and yes I got the startruck again.. I was screaming like OMG OMG NICK CARTER.. and he looked at me and waved hi to me.. and yes my feet got so weak and I can’t even think to take any photo. That’s like one of the biggest mistakes I made in life. Idiot me. I could’ve a picture taking with AJ or Nick. But I stood there screaming Oh My God. And God might be laughing at me that time. I want to go baaccckkk…

Anyway.. that’s what I need to write here. I watched the Backstreet Boys’ concert and met them at the airport. Beyond happy and I can’t stop smiling and crying inside for missed the big chance in life. Damn! But another dream came true, people. Dream does come true when you work hard and keep living your dream. Living your dream is important. And I think my father was like begging to God to make my dream comes true. Wish I can share my happiness with him now. He must be called me “bego” but then he will hug me for being that stupid girl. LOL.

AJ said that they will be come back to Singapore for the new album tour. So I’ll be there for that time coming. See you next time Backstreet Boys. I’m living my dream. I’m getting there. Keep The Backstreet Pride Alive!BSB

You’ve Got This

Papa, I can’t
go back in there

you don’t have to go

i’m not
i’m not as strong as the other girls

oh, my princess,
there is a lot more to strength than just muscle

what do you mean?

the strongest people i know don’t have the biggest arms
they keep going when things are hard,
they try, even when trying seems silly,
and they have the strength it takes to lift other people up
when they don’t want to try either
you are strong, my child
very strong

i still can’t lift very heavy things
or carry heavy ones for long

well, remember,
wherever you go, you are carrying my heart with you

i guess i’ll go back in there

you’ve got this

Create Your Own

Autumn, dressed as Summer, stormed into his house and ate his good intentions. Half-starving, he staggered off into the woods (where he thought cooler days might be waiting) only to find a painter who told him, “never look for Fall — just create it.”

Just Listen

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

All I ask is that you listen.

Don’t talk or do, just hear me.
Advice is cheap, 20 cents will get you both.
Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself, I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can stop trying to convince you and get about this business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works – sometimes – for some people, because God is mute.
And he doesn’t give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I will listen to you.


He Got Me at Hello

Can i talk about this guy for a minute? The guy who stole my heart long time a go. From a stranger to a lover. I actually don’t know what he did to me. He got me at hello. That was a serious hello came up with a sweet smile and sharp eyes stared. Weaken my heart to the root. Weaken my knees. Speeded up my heart beat. Accelerated the flow of my blood. And for the first time ever i know what it meant to be. Though i never bothered myself asking what was it. I can’t forget the moment i wondered his name and it led me to his badge.
Jason.. my coffee guy. Or Sprite. Or that funny oolong tea.
Can’t go further. Can’t dive deeper.
Nothing bad that i can remember. Was come to an end, unwanted.
He got me at hello. Never a goodbye.

–  a younger me –