Not “Happier”

So I’ll just find someone I could love
Lead them on
Then break them down slowly
Silently even with small actions
And even fewer words
Call it a fall
And tell them
“I’m sorry, I’m not ready.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out,
Maybe in another place in time
Maybe in another lifetime altogether”

G

A Thing That I Can Do

They said to write inspiration.

So I wrote until writing hurt. I wrote my story and my soul until there was only skin left to give.

So I gave it.

I wrote until my bones held my pencil and the only thing keeping me going was the next thought that needed to be written.

So I gritted my teeth and kept writing.

I kept writing while they chatted, while they talked, while they whispered. I wrote through the pain and the tears surrounding me, around me, needing me. I wrote while the world cried and the innocent died. I wrote while the world disappeared before my eyes.

Because writing is the only thing I know how to do and at least I can do that.

So I do that.

When You Feel Like Don’t Know Why

This is for you on the days when you feel like giving up, on the days when you wish you could hide away in your bed and never return. This is for you on the days when the clouds block any glimpse of sunlight, when the shadows paint the world around you. This is for you on the days when nothing feels right…when you’re drowning in helplessness, when you’re crawling out of your skin…when you’re falling, when you’re sinking, and when you don’t know if you can go on.

Somedays life will be too hard…so much harder than you ever imagined. So much harder than you ever expected. These are the days that will wear you down…the days that will test you to the point of exhaustion.

You probably feel like life is too heavy, like you can’t do this. It may feel as if the whole world is pressing down on your shoulders, depriving you of strength, pushing down on your soul. Every portion of your life is daunting. You don’t fit in here.

Things I Don’t Get It

1 – Why do people have to make a big deal about everything? So your kid somehow swallowed a Star Wars Lightsaber and now you think Star Wars is evil and should apologize to the world? That actually leads me into number two…

2 – Why is everyone apologizing for stuff all the time? I hope I never become famous or wealthy where people might sue me for random reasons. I’d be apologizing through my post everyday.

3 – Why do people write posts on Facebook that call out half their friend list? “To my Liberal Friends _____” You might as well unfriend those people, get it over with, and then you can change your post to “Those pieces of shit liberal fuckers think _____.”

4 – I blame Rambo, Rocky, Karate Kid, Aliens, and Back to the Future for the fact that Hollywood refuses to make anything new anymore. Instead they make remakes, additions, prequels, and prequels to the additions of the remakes…

5 – Stop making singing shows so personal. I get it, the audience loves to be drawn in. It is so annoying though and everyone has a sob story. “My sister… he used to eat my cupcakes as a kid and I never got any. I just want to win this competition so I can eat cupcakes.”

6 – Why is the McRib sandwich not offered all the time? And what happened to supersizing my fries?

7 – I think it should be illegal for commercials to show food that isn’t exactly like the food I’ll get when I get there. Because I’m coming and it better be amazing.

8 – People that have parties on a Saturday and don’t provide alcohol are unkind people. That just sucks.

9 – People that write lists are incredibly bored people.

10 – I hate when people act uppity just because they work at a store. I mean… you work there… that isn’t your fucking name on the building! Come the fuck back down to earth!

11 – I hate when people say “we,” but they really mean you. I know you are talking about me.

12 – I don’t know why people expect me to kill spiders. And snakes? You better call someone for snakes… I don’t do encounters with venomous, angry creatures. That is why I don’t camp.

13 – Why am I sleeping on weekend… I’m so bored!!! …

Save Yourself

Have you ever blamed yourself for something wrong or bad that had happened? I know, I do. I know everybody else did, too, at least once. We tend to blame ourselves when there is no one else we can point a finger to; we judge ourselves; we criticize ourselves. But know that judging or blaming yourself will do no good to you. The truth is, it will only grow roots to where you are standing; blaming yourself will only hold you down, it would not make you move on because you do not let yourself move on.

We all have our fair share in regards to failed relationship, lost love, unrequited feelings, hidden affections, fell out of love, you name it. We all have lost in a game or two; gave up in battles and raised the white flag. Those were not really the important events, it was what comes after those overthrows. Realizing you have lost is bad by itself, what does judging yourself do good in you? Not only you could not move on, you are also torturing your mental state by saying things to yourself which only make sense due to your pain.

You cannot always hold a grudge to yourself. Things would not make sense even if you force it to. Stop punishing yourself; stop asking the question ‘why’ for you know you will never have a definite answer that will give you peace. She chose to leave, then let her, especially when you know you have done everything that is there to be done; especially when you have given everything you could give. Stop doubting yourself if you have had shortcomings. There is nothing you could have done if leaving you was part of her plan all along.

Look at things on the brighter side, look at things with positivity. Look back and reminisce the good things you shared with her. Learn the lessons from what has happened. Not everything will always be in your favor, life will not adjust by your standards neither will people. Nobody will ever want to be hurt so you cannot let your guard down by being so confident with what you have right now that you think will last.

Stand up, suck it in, and try again. Stop blaming yourself and taking all the credits for what happened wrong. Stop holding yourself in one place, move on. There is nothing left worth holding on now. Let go.

Know that there was nothing you could have done if she has already fixed her mind on a decision, even if you ended up staying together, best chances are you will only stick together again for months or maybe more but you will always have the same ending, one will always leave. A relationship once broken could never be restored to its perfect state as it was before. Stop destroying things over and over again by forcing it. Accept the fact that you were not destined in the first place. Do not revolve your world around a single person, you do not know for sure if things are for good. What if she ended up leaving you? Your world would crash down hard, your world would stop turning for it has lost its axis, and would leave you blaming yourself.

Learn to live each day as a new one, do not let your past chain you down, do not let your guilt imprison you. You did what you thought was right, you did what you knew would make you happy. Never be afraid to try again, to stand up after you fall. Yes, be more careful, but do not shut your door to the world. Never stop yourself from taking risks, never stop yourself from living. After all, a kid never stops playing even after a bruised knee.

If it helps, be careless just so you could care more about yourself. Nobody would take good care of you other than yourself. Alcohol could only do so much. Not every time you will get lucky to have something or someone to rely on when things get ugly. You need to be on your own, depend on yourself alone. Man up and own you. Run your own life, do not let anyone be the director of your own movie.

To Mr.Rain

Dear Mr. Rain
You always visit when you are not wanted.
Why do you keep coming back?
It is as if you want to be my friend but you hurt instead of help.
Your are delicate and yet sharp.
You are silent thunder.
You are the producer of what is around.
You are Mr. Rain.
Oh, Mr. Rain as cold as you are, you make the warm blood in my body rush to, my brain.
The sight of you from my foggy window is as clear as can be.
The point of view is incredible.
Have you ever seen me staring at you?
You are my friend, Mr. Rain.

Like Others

“The World is my Idea,” in that perspective is our fate,
And when we empathize, it is a cause to celebrate.

For we are all born selfish.
Knowing this can tend to free you.
The eyes we’re born with are the only ones we’ll ever see through.

But we not stay limited.
It’s there, if we’ve the druthers.
For with imagination, we can see the world.
Like others.

Just like others.