Happy Birthday, Pak Amin

Dear Pak Aminuddin,

Let me first start it off by saying how much I miss you. I miss you so much that it can’t even be put into words. I’m feeling the pain of missing you. Things are not the way it supposed to without you here. I want to thank you for been you. Thank you for you always put your family first. You taught me to believe in ourselves and to be strong that we could stand alone. Just that I never thought that it would be this hard. Today is your birthday and you’re not being here once again. And I once again remembering how we used to spend our birthdays. On your birthday we used to ordering the heavenly taste Ayam Bakar or Ikan Bakar. And you always said to us to not eat too much because it was your birthday so technically it was all yours. Few times I got my friends some presents for their birthdays. Few last week was Kicky’s birthday and 2 days ago was Arie’s. Then I cried inside, I was like damn your birthday is coming. And you’re not here. It gets harder each day, Pak.. Maybe you can see how I grew each day so I don’t really have to tell you. Anyway you can’t read this. I’m writing it anyway. My heart been broken, Pak.. You might be laughing by now. I don’t want to be an adult, Pak.. It’s difficult to face this life without you. Work is also challenging now. I’m doing something I used to hate. But I working out my good friends so it might be better than doing it alone. I get some hard times to with Mom. She is so extra lately. She can’t be tough like you. But no worries, I won’t say or do anything stupid. As I promised you that I will take care of her like you always did. Mostly I’m being with Irma now. She is wiser than me as you know. Anyway Pak.. I wanted to take you to a sushi place so you can have some fresh sashimi and all will be yours. But I guess you can have all the best sashimi in heaven. Served by the angels. But having it with me might be better though. If only I can ask God to send you back here with us. I promise I will do better this time around. I will let my friends meet you and show them that I get it all from you. And this time I will get you the Mandarin Oriental’s cake for your birthday. And I promise I will put you first. Always.

Happy birthday, Pak.. I love you truly.

Sincerely,
Anak Raja

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In this place.. I can’t really rest my heart lately. I don’t feel like I can put my head to rest anymore. The pain has grown. Daily now.. Like every single day.

Oh boy.. I need to go to the same place. Under that roof. Walking through that green grass. Heavy steps.

How long til I can say that I’m not worry about tomorrow? I’m not worry about myself.

I quit worry about myself from long back. I’m worry about you. Because you are my life. My universe.

I heard you worry about me too. But I can’t see that.. or maybe that’s how you want it. But that hurts me, I hope you know.

In this place.. I can’t really rest my heart lately.

I used to call it..

Home.

Aye Aye Captain!

God is giving this year for you. Upon the big road you stand.
It’s your own journey, yes, your very own.
And know that you are the leader.
What the 12 months’ trip will do.
Might be a rough one. Or kind.
Your journal kept from day to day.
My dear, what will it show to you?
Have you on your appointed way. Making any progress yet?
The time will tell, like a guiding star.
The kind of captain that you are. For weal or woe this year is yours.
Your ship is on life’s sea.
Your acts, as captain, must decide whichever it shall be.
So now in starting on your trip.
And not to forget to ask God to help you along the way.

Crystal Clear Day

the end of a crystal clear day,
the fleeing of vexation’s hold,
the stranger’s way.

though paths may often lead astray,
they sometimes show the way of gold too,
the end of a crystal clear day.

we fill our barns with fear and tears,
and harbor many tales untold.

though boots be strong, our feet are clay,
and yet our passions don’t run cold,
the end of a crystal clear day.

so much we want to say
as lives grow tensile, then unrolled,
the stranger’s way.

the sun goes down, the wind’s at play,
the young at mind grow while body gets older,
the end of a crystal clear day,
the stranger’s way.

That Small Circle

All of must have probably heard of “keeping your circle small”. But for those who might have not, it means you only have to keeps a few close friends whom you trust a lot and can tell anything to. Even though some people enjoy keeping many friends around them because they seem to be free around them all but come to think about it, how could you probably manage all of them. But keeping your circle small makes you able to satisfy the needs of a fellow close friend and trusting that they’ve got your back in everything no matter what unlike those with lots of friends, some might even bail out on you!

But your circle should only contain the trusted ones whom you can share your personal goals, worries, secrets and everything that seems confidential to you.

Though some of us get the idea wrong, like “you’re only supposed to have your circle and nobody else” but the reality is, you’re allowed to also have multitudes of friends, those you chat with, business friends, learning friends and many others but your circle should only contain the trusted ones whom you can share your personal goals, worries, secrets and everything that seems confidential to you.

I guess..

The Unsafe World

I have never been ballsy. I never crossed the road without the green man, and still i will run even when i see i know it’s safe to walk slowly. I never really dare myself to try some new foods even my mom cooks it. Like so many people, I was comfortable. Always chasing safe. I have become so good at walls and barriers in the illusion of safety. But the walls and the barriers don’t keep danger away, they keep life away. Things don’t change until we do.

So I had to change. Because I wasn’t made for a life of fear, a life of watching where I walk, a life of looking down and not looking at the sky. I was made for leaping into life and all of its magic & surprises. Nothing in the world compares to living your freedom and knowing it’s scary but you are out here and you are doing it. I have surprised myself a lot. I have spent a lot of time on my own, out in the unknown doing things deemed unsafe. But I’m in a place I have never been before, doing things I have never done, feeling things I have never felt, my freedom is here in the flesh. I’m on a new level of life, that only came from releasing myself from the safety net I was captured in.

Safety is an illusion to keep you blind from being alive. We all want to be safe but no matter how any layers of bubble-wrap you cover yourself in, it’s never guaranteed. So you might as well make the jump from comfortable to where you actually want to be, despite the danger. Life was never made to be straight and narrow. It was meant to be wild and open to wherever you wanted to take it. You can walk through life with your eyes closed to the dark but you need to accept that you are closing your eyes on the light too. Life in comfortable, is accepting a medium level too. And if that’s all you want then yeah cool, enjoy it but there is so much world out there, so much life that you don’t know what you are wasting.

I can stand up and say that I actively chose my life. And I can say that I would do it a hundred times over. The path has been bumpy and uneasy sometimes but I don’t regret a single thing that has led me to liberation. Because this feeling of release, of power is the compass leading me in the direction of my soul. I’m proud of the person I have become because I had to fight to become her. I had to unravel the layers of my cocoon, so I could fly openly into the arms of freedom. Out into the beautiful world of unsafe.

The Strength Within

Standing by himself,he was lost on the path.
Behind him menacing trees danced,blocking his way to go back home.
Shadows following on the path ahead,all he could hear was the wisdom he that he heard.
His last words floating around his head.
You’re going to get lost,you’re going to fall down.
You will be alone,you will be hungry.
You might miss home,you might be sad, you might be cold.
You will certainly make mistakes. You will certainly be sad.
The only way you will succeed is to wake up.
Step up,and move on.
When it’s dark, find the light.
When it’s cold, remember to fight.
When you’re lost, seek the familiar.
When you’re hungry, swallow your pride.
If you ever need me just look within,you have the strength.
Hardest part is to begin,and as his vision blurred he smiled wide.
It was all a test,there was no need to hid.
And as the path crunched beneath his sole,he knew left or right that would make him whole.

Mistakes and Adventures